My Lovely Baby

She has red cheeks

Long eyelashes

Beautiful eyes, a cute nose

She likes company

She smiles

She is so cute

Her mouth is lovely

She went to sleep until three o’clock

She does not like cereal or Similac

She only wants to suck my breast

Her *** like you

She likes to kick when I change her diaper

She is a good girl

**** quiet like my personality

I thank you God to give me

I like her to eat more but she doesn’t want to

She cries when she is hungry

When I give her a bath she is so happy

Only when I’m tired ****

I give a bath each day

She likes banana apple sauce

Likes to play with daddy

When daddy says “Choo Choo, what’s the matter?”

     She always smiles

She looks around, she is very curious

She likes to be held

January 3, 1983

(by Libby; transcribed by David)

Simone at Three Months

you gingerly probe my hand

like an archeological find

cooing sweetly with more variety

you are beginning to understand

becoming a member of human kind

strong Simone, you have doubled your weight

found a secret of smiling each day

held upon my knee, your mouth agape with wonder

following mom’s path to take you

feed and bathe and change you

you were asleep when mom got stung

so you wondered why a bottle

the first of your weaning

those painful in-betweenings

changes growing till you regulate your own throttle

but still a rattle lays blind in your palm

held now a jack-in-the-box up and down

yet you quiet at the shape you will assume

surely you will stand and walk before soon

there many mansions reveal many rooms

what do you feel as you pry my fingers

what can you make of we amateur singers

the staring at light knowing its brilliance

what fills you with glee when we are seen

***** places like visions of kings and queens

November 25, 1982

Introduction: My Journals

When it comes to written work, nothing can equal the attention I have paid to writing a daily journal. Though many of the volumes have been lost or stolen, the topics and details of the years of my life beginning in 1970 when I was 16 years old are amazing in their depth. I am not Anais Nin mind you, and there is little intrigue or pornography in the pages, but there is much evidence of predilection to creative writing and my career as a teacher. 

In the entry from March 6, 1987, there is a notation: "This  26th page of 1987 journal equals my total entries of 1986!" I should say that with an average of 40 lines per page, 11 words per line, in an 8"by 6" unlined bound book, the content more or less equals that of a standard 7" by 5" paperback. The entry from this date details my page output from previous years' journal writing:

1979 - over 200
1980 - 128
1981 - 72
1982 - 42
1983 - 21
1984 - 58
1985 - 42
1986 - 26
1987 - 116

With this introduction, I begin to transcribe key pages of my journals, the journals that still exist. 

I Feel Better in Miami

I feel better when you look at me
I feel my heart in Miami
with my hands on your ears
my gusty nose a-blowing
a freebie falls on flat feet
when blue Cuba is revolting
I feel better in Miami
you feel better when you're there

You try better in revival
with your every inch committed
you know just where you're going
when you go in all directions
when Bill spills beers with bouncers
and Blue Cuba is revolting
you fly straighter when revival
adds reason to your floating

I look better tanned with Barbara
black and sweet with Maureen
a slave in palace blanca
all the way home...all the way home
for Barbara feels her bounty
way down home in Gumption
and Maureen would love money
way down upon the Swanee River

1971
from Favorites
revised Jan 6, 2018
Originally titled "Why Violence Ain't So Bad"

It Doesn't Work - When I Was Younger...

It Doesn't Work

I fear it doesn't work
It doesn't seem to work when you try to push it in
I know she'll never melt,
She doesn't melt but looks at the movies
Oh how I stayed hard 
until we fell asleep
you suck too hard
you grab the cup's side 
and wonder why it doesn't work

When I Was Younger I Wrote 
and Thought of Things Like This 

What would you do if you fell out on weekends
and didn't wake up until late Monday morning
when Mommy came knocking and said "Get up freak"
but you couldn't get into the day; life so boring

Bridge:
There was a time in my life this was true
When my life was spent sleeping
and my world spun around you
Alcohol and gin rummy
Seconal and Quaalu-des
Alcohol and gin rummy
Seconal and  Quaalu-des

What would you do if you met her on Fridays
straight to your bedroom and under the blanket
fucked her forever or, yes, Monday morning
when dreams of next weekend all week kept you horny

1971
excerpts from Favorites 

Frozen Glass

Do the things you do make you want 
to begin at the beginning again?
When the fog rose one dark night
in fright you thought you were dead

No man likes a slut for long
In ten years you will know you were wrong
When you do and it makes you cry
Don't call me up; just ask yourself why

Like a cork on water I flowed on an ocean of semen
I carry the load waiting for my next voyage.
Like frozen glass, it shatters on you
Glass that won't melt what I've been through; you can't.

My window eyes see your life full of bullshit...get back
I see you looking at me in the shadow of a TV tube
I listened as Kantner told me how to let go
I told you how to go about letting go

Forty-five mind revolutions per minute
All the people changing forward
You stay the same; backward, sluttish
You did me more than I needed you

Make believe you're sleeping
To hear what I'm saying about you
You are better for getting out of
What everyone else was getting into

I am poor at hand...rich in wisdom
You had better stop thinking
Listen to the silence
Start a new trend of thought

Even though you're gifted with life's necessities 
It doesn't mean you own a monopoly on yourself
If you have trouble coming through
Go down deep, up and in

Do the things that you did make you want
to begin at beginning again?
When your bottom fell through
did you try to climb back in?

Did you need me more than I needed you?
Make believe you're sleeping now
so you can hear what I'm saying 
All I got was a Pat on my head

October 3-10, 1971
from Favorites
revised January 4, 2018

Together With Pleasure

Glassy-eyed girl that's afraid of the world
Crying in the corner where the two walls meet
You don't feel much until you try to touch
You can't see much unless you turn around
Feel your body's pressure on the steadfast ground
Then jump...scream and shout
That's what letting go's about
Then touch me...now you see
How beautiful our worlds could be
together with pleasure

It's hard not to please a man who likes everything
Who argues with you when you dislike something
Sad when he sees you'll be hurting in the long run
Who wants you safe and sound whenever the change comes
Feel your mind changing in the turbulent universe
Then feel good...get yourself out
of the ridicule and guilt you've been thinking about
Then touch me...now you see
How beautiful our worlds could be
together with pleasure

August 31, 1971
from Favorites
revised January 4, 2018